Chapter One

“My name is Elizabeth King. I am 24 years old, and I had a miscarriage a little over a year ago.” I looked in the mirror, and repeated those two sentences, trying to rehearse what to say tonight. I keep contemplating whether or not to add the fact that I am also struggling with how to deal with failure. It's hard to think that we lost our baby last June, and it's now the following September. A year and three months, to finally seek a support group.

Having a miscarriage is bad, do not get me wrong. It is soul-crushing. That was just the icing on the cake though. How I had planned my life as a young girl, is not how it is going now; things that I had planned even as little as seven years ago are completely different than what has been happening. All this failure has created a great amount of darkness that has taken over my thoughts and feelings. I can't go a day without thinking of how easy it would be if I could just end it all. But that is not what tonight is about.

My best friend, Amanda, had told me about how one of her friends was going to a pregnancy loss support group every Wednesday and making what she calls “friends”. It does not sound like my cup of tea, but I figured to maybe give it a shot, I mean, it has been a year. I should just let go of what happened but I can't.

The group starts at 7 but I have to be there by 6:45 to make it in time for the new member introductions. I am trying to not back out of going. Talking with a bunch of girls about something we have in common, but was a very intimate part of my life, is going to be hard. Being very anti-social can cause me to not want to do new things, so I am hoping that this is not going to be how T.V shows depict an Alcoholics Anonymous group. You know, where everyone takes turns standing up and introducing themselves and what their “problem” is.

Getting ready has been difficult because I want to not look like trash, but I would like to not get dressed up. It is just a group of us at the local library that one of the girls owns. Looking at the time, I see that it is almost 6 o'clock, meaning that I should start getting ready. Thankfully, the church is only a five-minute walk.

My boyfriend, Brandon, and I live in a small two-bedroom apartment. It is the perfect size for a couple who is wanting to start their own family. The entrance to the apartment is a small hallway big enough to walk through with groceries. There is a metal mailbox to the left and a staircase to the right, heading up to the second-floor apartments. Our apartment is on the second floor, first door to the right. When you first walk in, the living room is on the right. Along the back of the wall are the couches, as well as the TV and stand that holds our movie collection. Across from the living room is the dining room area that is holding an oak round table that can seat four people. Jack has a little cat tree that he likes to climb one when Brandon and I are eating dinner. If you walk back from the dining room you can see the kitchen. The kitchen is a very compact area. The sink, fridge, and dishwasher are on one side, and across from those are cupboards and the stove with an over-the-range microwave. The apartment's expensive stainless-steel appliances are more than what we could ask for. There is another entryway to the kitchen that connects a hallway from the living room to the rest of the apartment. There is a spare bedroom, or what would have been our child's bedroom. We had bought a few baby items such as a crib and car seat. There is a window that sits in the far corner by the closet that has French doors. We stored our belongings from growing up in there. Our bedroom is the room to the left of the almost nursery. Brandon bought us a king-sized bed that sits in the middle of the far-left wall. The bed is the most comfortable thing that I have ever laid on. A lot of sex happens there. More than I should probably mention. Against the wall diagonal from the bed is a medium size leather chest that has a lot of sex toy items in there. The best way to build an intimate relationship is to be open and try new things if you know what I mean. On the wall that has the entrance to the room hold the closet.

The closet is full of Brandon's and my clothing. Brandon thinks that I should get rid of the clothes I don't wear by donating them. Donating my clothes is a good idea, but it seems like a lot of work to go through my closet. There is plenty of clothes that I can keep and be happy with, I just have not gotten around to it. The bathroom is right across the hallway from our bedroom, there is a shower and toilet as well as a few cabinets to store toiletries and towels in. This apartment is the perfect place for us.

Having to get ready, I look for something to wear, I choose a navy blue and white anchor, flowing blouse with some khaki-colored jeggings. The shoes I chose are just simple white canvas shoes. My cat, Jack, watches me walk around my room gathering the rest of the things I need to take with me. They ask you to bring an ultrasound and a baby clothing piece that you would like to have commemorated in a glass cabinet, I am not sure how I feel about having my baby on display like that. Looking at the ultrasound and booties, I start getting teary-eyed. Still unsure about going, I grab my phone and my requested items and head out the apartment.

I walk down the cement stairs outside and head towards the north part of town. I have a car but the library is only about two and a half blocks away and a little walking never hurt anyone. I arrive at 6:40 and find Kelly who is the friend Amanda was telling me about. Looking around, there are some men here too. It would have been nice to know that Brandon could have come with me. Doing this alone is hard. I see that there are about eight other people here as well as Billie and Kelly. Talking to Kelly for a few minutes before the meeting starts, I can see why Amanda likes her—she is a very charming girl. Her blonde hair hangs just below her shoulder blades, she has soft green eyes that look like they haven't held a single tear. I notice that she has a large diamond bridal set on. My eyes wander around the library, curious as to who her husband is.

Billie, who is the librarian hosting the support meeting, offers everyone some coffee and cookies before taking a seat to begin the meeting. A few people make their rounds telling their story, leaving most of us teary-eyed by their unfortunate event. Kelly introduced herself and began telling her tale of the day she miscarried her second child. She looks sad, but holds back any sign of tears, indicating that she has told this story many times. Her husband must have stayed home or is working because the chair next to her is empty. At least I am not the only one that came here alone. It gets to be my turn to tell my story, I look around the room and I open my mouth. I can't tell my story, what happened. It's too personal and raw. But, instead of refusing, I stand up and introduce myself. I really wish that Brandon was here instead of out with his friends.

“Hi, my name is Elizabeth. My friend Amanda told me about this group and got me in contact with Kelly. I am engaged to my best friend, Brandon. I was under the impression that this was a women-only group, otherwise, I would have brought him with me. Late last June, we found out that we were expecting a little one. We had been trying for about six months and it finally happened. We were over the moon ecstatic. I felt fine, no morning sickness or fatigue. At about eight weeks is when the doctor scheduled me for my ultrasound. That is when we found out that the baby had stopped growing at six weeks.”

Seeing that I have everyone's eyes on me listening to my story, has made talking to complete strangers easier than I thought.

“Brandon had leaned over to me to comfort me. We didn't know what to think. The doctor didn't have much information for us other than we needed to schedule the D&C for the following week. The first few weeks weren't as hard as I figured they would be. But then, as I got to the days that would have been the first few kicks, or when the baby developed hearing, those days were the hardest. When it came to her due date in February, we had planned a small memorial for family and close friends to attend that knew we were expecting. I did not end up attending, I wish I could say I regret not saying a final goodbye. It was the second hardest day of my life, next to the day we got the news about losing our baby,” I glance around to see that I still have everyone's attention. I see Kelly giving me a soft smile, to encourage me to continue.

“This is the first month my fiancé and I have discussed trying for a baby again. I decided to come here tonight I finally open up and talk about what we went through. Brandon has held it together for me the best he can. He picked up a second job on the weekends to allow me to focus on myself for a while. But I think I am ready.”

A guy by the name of Kevin asks, “Has Brandon mentioned he was ready to start now or was it just a conversation you had? It really is hard on the guys. We don't have any idea about what to do to try to make sure you're okay.”

I get a little annoyed at his question. Of course, Brandon wants to try again, we have discussed it multiple times. Why would he lie if he wasn't?

Instead of saying that, I suppress my annoyance by replying, “I guess I haven't really asked him if he was ready to try again, like, right now. All he has said is when I am ready, he will be ready.”

“Maybe have a conversation with him again? He may be affected by this more than you think, so he may require more time,” Kevin suggests this as if it will not offend me.

Billie does agree with Kevin, so maybe I am just a little sensitive since this is my first time coming to a group like this. As the meeting starts to come to an end, I glance at the clock and see that an hour has already passed and it’s a quarter to eight. Not wanting to walk, I text Brandon to see if he will come and pick me up. He is still with his friend; it turns out it’s an important night out. His best friend Christian and his fiancé, Kimberly, are asking him to be their best man at the wedding they're having in March.

I start to head out the doors, when Kelly walks up to me, “I can give you a ride if you want.”

“Oh, thank you! But I only live a few blocks away from here.”

She smiles, “So? I can still give you a ride if you'd like. How was your first meeting? It can seem very intimidating at first.”

“Well, I think it was a little easier listening to everyone's story first. Was I the only new person?”

Kelly and I start walking outside to her car. “Yeah. We have some people who come only once. Some who come every month, or some who come for just the first few minutes. I can't blame them. This is a very sad thing that has happened to us. “

“I wanted to punch Kevin in his face. I mean, I agree with what he said, but really? This is my first meeting. What an ass.”

“Yep, that's Kevin. Always rudely inserting advice. Not to step on any toes, but you should talk to your fiancé tonight. He might be feeling more than what he is telling you.”

I climb in the passenger seat of her little KIA Optima and give her directions to my apartment.

“Yeah, I guess you're right. He probably is. It's sad he isn't telling me about how he's really feeling.”

Kelly gets in the driver's side, leaning over to put her purse in the back seat, “That's men though. Always trying to be stronger than they need to be. My husband and I are separating as a result of him not being open about his feelings after our loss. I wear my ring as a symbol of hope that he will come through, but he would rather have a conversation with a bottle of Jack Daniels than talk to me about anything.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't know,” I'm surprised that she is opening up to someone she just met.

We pull up to the apartment and I start to climb out when Kelly apologizes for being so open about her problems at home. I tell her it’s nice to have an outside person to talk to. She tells me to tell Amanda “hi” when I see her and thanks me for coming.

I walk inside the building and check mail, casually running into some people that live down the hall. They mention maintenance is coming to change our air filters on Friday. I'm glad there are so many friendly people who are so willing to relay information.

Jack greets me when I walk in the apartment with a soft meow. I can tell he wants some food by the way his little tail quivers in the air as he walks around rubbing on my legs. I head back to the bathroom where his food dish is and fill up his little bowl.

I look at the time again and it is almost 8:45, I really want to take a bath but it’s getting late. I really enjoy taking baths. Mainly because I can relax after a long day; it's especially perfect when you take a bubble bath and have candles. But then when there are some nights, like tonight, when you have just about had it with what's going on in your life, you slip down to where the water is just covering your ears. And, if it’s quiet enough, you can hear your heart beating. Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh. A noise so innocent and pure, reminding you that you are alive. You are choosing to live. Everything you do in life is a result of things that you have chosen to do.

Deciding to take a bath, I gather my pajamas from the bedroom and a towel from the dryer and head back to the bathroom where Jack is mowing down some kitty kibble. He looks up at me and meows, letting me know how happy he is that he is eating. I sit on the edge of the tub and throw in one of the 97 cent bath bombs that I bought from the grocery store. I think of what Kevin said again, this time taking some time to actually consider what he said. I guess he may very well be right. Brandon could be hurting quite a bit and just not showing it. That could be the real reason he took on another job. As I undress, I think of all the conversations we have had about trying again and he always says, “If it happens, it happens.” So, maybe he isn't wanting to try just yet.

I light the candles and climb into the warm bath and text him again to tell him that I am thinking about him and hoping he is having a good night. He replies that he is about to head home in a few minutes.

Despite it being unsafe to sleep in the tub, I almost doze off and hear the front door close. Brandon's home.

“Honey, where are you? Why is it so dark in here?” He walks in and turns on the bathroom light.

“Hey! What the hell?! I am relaxing!”

He looks shocked at my attitude, “I'm sorry, I didn't know. I just got home. How was the meeting?”

“It was okay. Turns out, you can come with if you want. There was a guy named Kevin that was there and he was sort of rude.”

Brandon sat on the edge of the tub, sounding intrigued, “How so?”

“He was questioning me about how you feel about trying for another baby.”

Brandon sighed, “What did you say?”

I look at his face, his eyes look sad, he looks exhausted. “I said that you have said that you were ready when I am. Which is something that I wanted to talk to you about.”

He leans down and kisses my forehead.

“I think I am ready. Are you?”

Brandon looks down at his hands and starts playing with his fingers, “I've been thinking about it. I didn't want to bring it up to you until you said you were ready.”

Under my breath, I say, “I told you so Kevin.”

“But I want to make sure that we are 100% ready to try again. It was really hard the first time and then to have it ripped from us. And to see how sad you were and there wasn't much I could do. How are you really feeling about trying again?”

I start lathering my body up with soap, “I believe I am very much ready to try for a baby again. I think that our life will be complete with a sweet baby that we both created.”

“Then let’s start. Tonight.” He stands up and walks out of the bathroom to our bedroom, I heard the closet door open. Brandon was probably changing into pajamas.

I finish up in the bathroom, and walk into the bedroom and see Brandon laying on his side of the bed with the lamp on. He looks at me and motions for me to get into bed with him. I slide close to him and lay my head on his shoulder.

“I got something for you.” He sits up and hands me a little six-inch box. Sitting up, I examine the black box I am now holding.

“Oh, babe! You shouldn't have!” Tears swell in my eyes as I open the box and it’s an infinity sign diamond necklace.

“It's just something that made me think of my love for you.” He squeezed my hand and brought it up to his lips, his soft breath tickles the little hairs on my hand as he kisses it. He lays trails of kisses up my arm to my neck, making me shiver in satisfaction.

“Brandon,” I moan. “You're going to make me dirty again.”

Brandon chuckles, “So? Tonight baby, you're all mine.”

I pull back from him, examining his face to see if there was any sign of hesitation. Instead, I find him looking very coquettish, he grins and pulls me in to kiss him. It’s a very deep kiss. I feel his tongue slip into my mouth, softly touching mine. As he continues to kiss me, he wraps his hand around the back of my neck, entangling his fingers in my hair. Brandon pulls me on top of his waist, briefly stopping to take off my shirt. I tilt my head back, closing my eyes to let my senses heighten with each kiss. He pulls my face back down to his, this time being more aggressive with his kiss. His tongue dances around mine, making me want him more. He moves his hand to the waist of my shorts and pulls them off in one quick movement. He pulls away from kissing me and demands that I lay down in the center of the bed. Following his orders, I climb off of his lap and lay where he told me to. He pulls the blankets off the bed and tosses them on the floor. He leans down to kiss me, this time I am the one to force my tongue into his mouth. His mouth is hot and moist. He still tastes like the beer he drank earlier when he was out. One of my hands finds its way to his hair, my fingers comb through it as he kisses me quickly. He pulls away to look at me, I can feel his breath on my lips.

“I want you, Brandon.” I look at him with pleading eyes.

“I know. Lay down.”

We make love, more passionately than we had before any of this.

“Damn.” His breathing is hard. He plops down onto the bed next to me, laying on his back.

I turn towards him and trace his chest with my finger. “That was something else.”

Brandon chuckles a little, his breathing starts to slow and becomes light snoring. I get up and grab the blanket from the floor and cover him up. Walking over to shut his lamp off, his snoring starts to become more noticeable. I smile because he has my heart and at this moment, there are no bad feelings. I go to the bathroom to do a cleanup and use the bathroom. When I am done, I go back to the room and climb in next to him and fall asleep to his heartbeat.

I dream of us as a family, Brandon pushing what I would assume is a three-year-old boy in a swing. We have a big white house with a wraparound porch and a white picket fence. He looks over to me and smiles. His face turns suddenly from smiling to being shocked. He's yelling something, but I don't know what he's saying, I can't hear him. I turn towards what he's pointing at, and there is a red farm truck coming right at me. It crashes through the gate and hits me. As I am laying there in pain, I see my family fade away. Next thing I know, I am in the hospital hearing that it was actually my child that was hit by the truck.

I hear Brandon's voice calling my name faintly. I think it's in my dream but, I wake up instantly. Brandon is holding me, stroking my hair telling me that everything is okay.

“It was just a dream, sweetie.” His words are soft and reassuring.

Slow tears are sliding down my cheeks, “It seemed so real. I-he was there, but then he wasn't. I thought it was me and not him.” By the time I get my words out, I'm choking on my tears.

He soothes me until I fall back to sleep. This time my dream isn't bad.

*************************

The next morning, I wake up and Brandon isn't lying next to me. The light shining through the window is bright enough to light up the room. I smell bacon and toast. Yum. I am starving after last night. I giggle to myself. I really needed time like that with him. It's been a few weeks since we had been intimate. Especially to that level.

I take another shower and put on some sweatpants. I hear Brandon humming a tune I haven't heard before. I see him dividing the bacon and eggs between two plates.

“Good morning beautiful.” He looks at me as he licks the little bit of grease off his finger.

I feel my face get hot as I blush.

“I figured you were probably hungry after last night, and since I don't go into work until 10 today, I was going to make you breakfast in bed. But obviously, you woke up sooner than I thought.”

I look at the clock on the stove, it's only 7:30. “Sorry. I just sensed you weren't there. I had a bad night’s sleep.”

He frowns, “I know. I woke up to you crying in your sleep a few times.”

“I'll be fine. It was just a dream.” I kiss his forehead before grabbing my plate. “This looks great. Thank you.”

Walking to the table, I see Jack laying over in the living room, curled up on his cat bed. He must have had a long night if he isn't awake begging for human food. I pull out my chair and sit down with my plate. When my fork hits the glass plate, Jack's head pops up and looks at me. He runs over and offers small meows as a “good morning”. I sneak him some eggs. Brandon hates when I feed him human food.

Jack walks over to Brandon who is now sitting across from me.

“Elizabeth, stop feeding him your food.” He sounds more annoyed than he normally does when I give Jack a taste.

“But he just wants a little treat.”

He rolls his eyes at me.

“What's with this mood change?”

He sighs, “I got a text from Jake at work. Someone got injured on a job site. So, now I will be there later than I thought.”

Brandon is a warehouse manager and site supervisor during the weekdays and a security guard on the weekend nights. He has a degree in engineering, so his income is pretty high. I don't know much about his family other than his parents are divorced and he has an older brother that is a CEO of a massive company. I do know that he and his father had a major falling out. But I am unaware of what it was over though.

“Shit. What happened?” This is the first injury since he has taken over.

“The new guy got arrogant with a hammer and broke his thumb.” He stands up and looks at the ground for a second. “I'm sorry for my attitude. I am just exhausted from all the work I've been doing.”

Working two jobs can be exhausting. I was looking at the job websites and saw something I was interested in; I haven't brought it up to Brandon yet. Because I didn't know if that is what I really want. “I have been thinking of going back to work. I have had plenty of time to heal.”

He looks at me. For the first time, I notice he has dark circles under his eyes and he has lost weight. I would say close to ten pounds. All these long hours of manual labor are taking a toll on him.

“Really? Are you sure?”

I unlock my phone and pull up the link. “Definitely. It pays well, and you can drop me off before you go into work and then pick me up when you get off.”

“Where is it?”

“The dental office. As a receptionist.” I smile. The job, despite not knowing if I want to actually pursue it, does sound very good.

“If it’s something you really want to do. Then I say go for it.” You can see the relief in his eyes at the thought of not having to work two jobs.

I get up and put my plate in the sink. Jack follows me, tail up and ears perked. “I will apply later today.”

He heads to the bedroom and starts to get ready for work. Even though he has lost some weight, he doesn't look sickly. His dark hair is still messy from last night. He is perfect. He isn't extremely muscular, but he does have strong arms. He does not have abs, which is okay because I think abs aren't very attractive, but he doesn't have any pudge—weighs 240 pounds. He is taller than me, I want to say he is about five-nine, maybe five-ten. I am only five-five, weighing 170 pounds.

Following him to the bedroom, I watch him strip down to nothing and then start to get ready. We normally talk about what we did the day before, but there isn't much to talk about today. I sit on the bed and watch him put on his charcoal dress pants. He selects a long-sleeve dark purple button-down shirt, paired with the charcoal and purple colored-striped tie to finish his ensemble.

“Damn. You look fine with a capital F.” I lick my lips playfully. Last night is still fresh in my memory, seeing him dressed like this ignites a fire in me. How can I be with someone this gorgeous? No doubt in him not being model hot, but he is absolutely not ugly.

He moves to stand in front of me and leans down to softly kiss my forehead. Somehow it was already time for him to leave. I will be glad to get back to work that way I won't be so sad about when he is gone. My greatest fear is that he will leave one day and won't come back. That he will block me from everything and erase any trace of us that there was. I have brought it up to him before, and he has said that while he promises that he would never do that—that he would do that if he did need to leave me. Real reassuring. Thinking of that, I roll my eyes.

“What was that for?”

“Nothing.” He doesn't need to think of me thinking that before he goes to work. It will only cause him more stress.

“Have a good day at work. I love you.” I stand up and hug him goodbye. He kisses my cheek before pulling away and kissing me on the mouth. I follow him to the front door and watch him walk down the stairs. Today, I am more sad than normal. Maybe because I have been spending so much time alone. I've only seen Amanda once or twice since she and Milo broke up two months ago. Maybe I should see what she is up to, I pick up my phone and dial her number. Of course, I get her voicemail.

Hi, this is Amanda. I am unable to answer the phone right now. Leave your name and number and I promise to get back to you as soon as possible.

It is nice to hear her voice at least. I don't bother leaving a voicemail. What's the point? If she wanted to get a hold of me, she would have by now. What kind of best friend doesn't tell them about breaking up with their two-year boyfriend? Some sort of shitty best friend, I think.

I set my phone down on the table. A hot shower would be nice right now, especially since I may smell strongly of sex. Jack follows me to the bathroom, not to keep me company, but to get fed. I grab a towel from the cabinet and make my way into the shower. I hear Jack jump on the counter and see him peek his head around the curtain—he is so nosey. He always has to stick his head in there; I love flicking water at him to get out.

Just as I am finishing up, I hear the door in the living room open and close. Brandon should be at work and no one else said they were coming over. Starting to panic, I get out of the shower and quietly walk over to lock the bathroom door. Is someone breaking in or am I just hearing things? I start to panic as I quickly get dressed. Panicking even more, when I remember that I left my phone in the dining room. Noises come from the kitchen; it sounds like they are going through the cabinets. What are they looking for? There is nothing of value in the kitchen cabinets, just the non-perishable foods, and snacks. Are they stealing my snacks? If so, this is the lamest burglary known to man. When I am done getting dressed, I look around the bathroom to find some sort of weapon. Something that I could hit the intruder with or even if I could just scare them. Do they think no one is home? Jack starts digging at the door, trying to get out, wanting to check out what is going on out there. The plunger could be a decent enough weapon. What am I going to do with it though, wing it around in their face? Not sure how this is going to work, I unlock the door and let the cat out. He darts to the living room. Walking down the hall, slowly creeping to not make any noise, I make it to right before the living room. Okay, this is it. I could die, they could have a gun. Inside, I am freaking out. I wonder if I should warn them. I think I am going to just jump out. They didn't offer me any warning, so why should I?

The adrenaline that has been building has given me the courage to jump out from around the corner, holding the plunger out like a sword. I see her sitting there, eating a bag of chips she must have gotten from above the fridge. What is she doing here and why?

“You should really eat healthier than you are. All these snacks are going to go to your hips.”